The First Two Weeks
I was in active labor for 14 minutes. They told me I had only a few minutes to try pushing before they would have to rush me off to the OR for an emergency cesarean. The doctor had to use a vacuum to assist Edyn’s delivery. I pushed four times and was so focused on the pushes and hoping to avoid the OR, that I missed the moment she was delivered. They had to pump blood from her stomach because of my hemorrhaging and because she had swallowed so much of it. When they brought her over to me it was such sweet relief.
The culmination of my life and life choices merging into this one tiny life placed so delicately on my chest.
The whole room melted away, all the faces, the noises, the chaos of orderlies mopping up blood, doctors stitching me up…all my senses rested solely on her.
If I ever thought I knew what love was before, it was redefined completely and forever in those first few moments that I held her in that hospital bed.
It should come as no surprise that I have spent the last two weeks, the first two weeks of my daughter’s life, photographing her and trying to soak in every inch and every moment of her tiny being.
Today she has been a part of this world, the sole part of my world, for 14 days. New Years Eve, the night she was born, seems both so very long ago and just yesterday at the same time.
14 days of sweatpants. 14 days of attempting to establish a new routine. 14 days of learning her cries. 14 days of non-stop worrying and anxiety over her very wellbeing and knowing we are responsible for her.
She sleeps a lot. Do I? No, not at all.
I thought I knew something of love before, of soulmates and great loves, and what not. All of that was redefined when she was placed on my chest in the hospital that night, two and half hours before the stroke of midnight, before the year turned over anew.
I used to wrestle with whether I wanted to be a mom, or should be a mom. And when I did decide it was something I wanted in my life, then it became an issue of when/perfect timing that I struggled with.
Now I can’t imagine life to be any other way. I can’t even fathom my old life, what I gave up in exchange for motherhood pales in comparison.
In the last two weeks I haven’t managed to do my hair, or put on makeup. I haven’t been productive in my photography business. I haven’t kept up with all the well-wishes, messages and calls from friends and family. I have no idea what is happening with current events, or even with the sale of our home back in upstate NY. Most days I don’t even know what the weather is outside, let alone what day of the week it is.
The definition of postpartum for me is hot mess. But that’s my journey, my story, and I am embracing each moment of it because it won’t last before we are on to the next phases. And heck, it’s me and it’s a real glimpse into my life the last couple of days.
My daily accomplishments are limited to only marginally managing to get dressed, make dinner & do dishes, and hover over Edyn for nearly every hour of every day.
And I’m ok with that. For more than anything, for every day she breathes life,
I hope that I never fail her.